Bad Movies of Today

Welcome to a new feature on my website. Because I am constantly struggling to find things to write about, and because I constantly hate movies, I will be writing every now and then about the newest crock of Hollywood blockbusters that are either currently out, or premiering in the near future. I must warn you that every movie that I will be mentioning in this column is terrible. I know this for sure because they are so bad, I refuse to even see them. With this in mind, prepare to tune in to :

Starsky and Hutch

Well, let's start with the obvious. You're not going to go see this movie - nobody is. There isn't a single person in this country who would be suckered into seeing this movie. It's an absolute mistake that the marketing directors of this film spent so much time and money advertising it, because not even one person is going to show up. Yes, it's true, nobody is going to willingly see this movie. However, perhaps there are some who might happen to trip and fall face-first into a reel of this film, and the film gets wrapped around their head somehow, and as they struggle to remove the frightening mess from their head, they pull rapidly on the film which passes frame by frame before their eyes, creating the illusion of motion, and they inadvertently watch this movie in an effort to remove it from their face. It's a sad truth that this will probably happen to someone. Well, if you are the unlucky person who suffers the above accident and you stumble upon this website, please email me right away with the precise adjectives to describe just how disgustingly unenjoyable this movie actually is, and be sure to include a description of exactly how humiliating Ben Stiller's acting was. I will gladly post your words here so that people will remember to watch their step when walking in the proximity of this film. Please be careful, everybody.
GRADE : F

Dirty Dancing : Havana Nights

I don't know why they bothered to release this movie, seeing as how I didn't even see the first one. Suffice it to say that I will not be seeing this movie, either. Here is my plot summary of this movie : boring. That's right. What was the director thinking, releasing an hour and a half of nothing but events and characters that bore me? I think that this was a poor creative direction to take this movie in, and it's the audience (nobody) who suffers as a result. Hollywood today isn't the Hollywood of 15 years ago - back then, they could get away with releasing a terrible film like Dirty Dancing because an Indiana Jones movie had come out less than ten years earlier. Today, this is not the case, and with no good movies having been recently released to balance out garbage like this, the net result is that nobody cares, and this movie will unfortunately gross an estimated zero dollars. It's a shame, but an entirely deserved shame.
GRADE : F

Confessions of a Teen Drama Queen

The flaw with this movie that stares you in the face the entire time you're not watching it is that it exists at all. If you've ever sat on the phone for two hours listening to an actual teenaged girl blather, you know that absolutely nobody, sane or not, would possibly shell out even their parents' cash for a chance to see a poorly produced, ugly movie star hopeful teen drama queen confess anything. Sadly, this little bit of shared knowledge took a toll on the box office of this movie, which had a record 0 people turn up to see it on opening day. That's right, teenagers and grandparents alike avoided this movie like the bilious plague it is. It's unfortunate that teenage nobody Lindsay Lohan will never be able to make another movie ever again, based on the absolutely dreadful aftermath of this film's failure to connect with any members of its target audience. America took just one look at this film and responded, "No thank you!" Personally, I think that this was the right thing to do.
GRADE : F

The Passion of the Christ

Usually, when a film causes as much controversy as The Passion of the Christ, it has to be good. Actually, that isn't the case, as there are no controversial movies, and even if they were, they'd probably end up being just as bad as The Passion of the Christ. This movie stars everone's favorite religion, Christianity, in a suspense/torture flick that can be boiled down to the Christ getting the snot knocked out of him by the Jews for two hours. It doesn't sound so bad, but I'm giving it an F. Why? Because Mel Gibson starred in Signs, which is so monumentally bad that its badness carries over to this film, which he directed. The country knows about your little secret, Mel, and rest assured that nobody is going to go see your overhyped, Aramaic bore fest.
GRADE : F

50 First Dates

One time, I was in a Starbucks in Los Angeles, waiting for the girl at the counter with the highlighted hair and the emo glasses to finish putting the whipped cream on my hot chocolate, when I overheard these two people having a conversation. One was a middle aged man, and the other was probably his son; he was in his 30's. The older man said, "So, are you really going to pick up that horrid Adam Sandler movie?" His son, the movie exec said, "Yes, I think I am going to." The older man said, "Why would you do that? Nobody likes Adam Sandler anymore. In fact, no one has ever liked Adam Sandler. Remember how we inflated his past box office numbers to make it seem like people were going to see his movies? Why make the same mistake again?" His son said, "Because, dad, I am an idiot. It is my job to be an idiot, and release movies that nobody goes to see because they are so terrible. Adam Sandler makes movies that are perfect for my purposes because they are the worst movies ever made by anyone ever." At this point, I didn't wait to hear the rest of what he had to say. I dumped my cocoa all over his face, and it melted his skin. His father and I high-fived.
GRADE : F

The Butterfly Effect

Here's a movie that absolutely nobody in the country cared about. Ashton Kutcher has alienated his stupid teenage fan base by starring in a movie that is both serious and probably over their heads. However, the film is simply not good enough for cool people like me to have any interest in it at all. Add to that the fact that everybody who doesn't like Ashton Kutcher (everybody) in fact hates Ashton Kutcher, and avoided this movie like it was a ghost in a game of Pacman. All these factors make for a movie that sadly played to nothing but empty theaters upon its release. One can only pray that this will somehow halt Ashton Kutcher's career, but with the state of the cinema industry today, it is almost guaranteed that there will be many more deplorable films for Mr. Kutcher to butcher.
GRADE : F

...

Well, that does it for my round-up of the sickeningly unpopular films of 1st quarter 2004. Join me and my awful movies feature next time as I will be previewing and reviewing some of the sure-to-be hits of the second quarter. Also, I will update the graphic on the new page so instead of saying "1st quarter 2004," it says "2nd quarter 2004," and that's a promise!