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Every once in a great while a band comes along and redefines the way we think about music. In
the case of recent pop sensation "The Black Eyed Peas" the only thing that has been redefined is my attitude towards pre-meditated
murder. Now I'm not a musician, nor have I ever taken a music appreciation course, but I think that after you read this article
you'll agree with me that this band is the worst thing in music today, and quite possibly in all the history of the universe.
So what makes them so bad? I'm glad you asked, allow me to answer your question in three stages, 1) take a look at them:
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| "Get Stupid! Get Stupid! Get Retarded!" |
Yeah, they're pretty hideous. But is that any reason to pick on them? Right now you might
be asking (or axing) "Jesse K, why you be hatin' on tha Peas?" Well, let me tell you, my hatin' is not unfounded.
Which brings me nicely to number 2) Their music is terrible. I'll be providing conclusive proof of this point later
in the article, but i'll go into a little detail now, so as to hold your attention. The main problem with their music
is a well known phenomenon know as Stupid Lyrics Syndrome or SLT. Basically the core of the issue is that all of their
songs sound like they were written by a 12 year old with ADD who has had no human contact beyond reruns of MTV's "The Real
World". Hence you'll find a whole lot of repetition. When looking up their lyrics one of the most striking things
i noticed was that almost every line was followed by (x6). That should give you an idea of the creativity involved in the
song writing process for this group. Another alarming trend is the tendency to rhyme a word with the same word
in the next line, as in "Shake it, Shake it, Shake it Girl/ Make sure you don't break it Girl". And finally, and most
disturbingly, is the syntax involved. They have tons of songs in which the chorus is composed almost entirely of words
and phrases that are either unpleasant or just plain stupid sounding, proof of which will be provided shortly. Now,
considering all this it wouldn't you be a surprised if I were to tell you that they weren't a band that
everyone hated? Well, hold on to your hats because I'm right about to get to number 3) They are rediculously popular.
Here's a picture of them recieving some kind of award for being such great musicians or something.
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| "we the blast mastas blastin' up the jamma" |
But none of this is the real thing that set me off, no, they've been around for years.
So why now? They've got a new CD, and it's unbelievably, unimaginably worse than any of their previous music.
I downloaded it and took a listen, as an experiment in comedy writing, what I discovered was alarming to say the least.
What was contained within their new release "Monkey Business" was not only 15 of the most terrible songs you have ever heard,
but also the proof that our standards as a society have slipped much much further then anyone could have imagined.
Only in a seriously sick world could such a group of people create such a CD and not only have it produced and distributed,
but have it lauded and praised. Below is an excerpt of the lyrics from every single song on the CD in order, followed
by a number of exclamation marks equal to the amount of outrage you ought to feel that this exists and any appropriate commentary
if necessary.
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| Soon to be Best Seller |
Track 1: "Pump It"
"That’s what we do
That’s who we be
B-L-A-C-K -E -Y-E-D-P to the E, then the A to the S
When
we play you shake your ass"
-!!!!
The first song opens with a rousing chorus of "Pump it!" being shouted 5 times. Including this there is a total
of 28 times throughout the song in which they ask you to make their music louder, whether by "pumping it", "turning it up",
or "blasting your sterio". Perhaps they think if the music is so loud that no one can actually listen to it comfertably
that how awful it is will be ignored in favor of shielding one's ears.
Track 2: "Don't Phunk with my Heart"
"Baby have some trustin, trustin
When I come with lustin, lustin
Cause I bring you that comfort
I
ain't only here cause I want yur
Body, I want yur mind too
Interestin' what I find you
And I'm interested in the
long haul
Come on girl yee-haw (galloping horse fx)"
-!!
This is the first single off the new album, it should be noted that this is all over the fucking radio. Also, on
the radio it's not called "Don't Punk with my Heart", it's called "Don't Mess with my Heart", because aparantly it wasn't
enough to evade the curseword, and they had to remove anything even evocative of it. Frightening but true.
Track 3: "My Style (featuring Justin Timberlake)"
"Stepped out looking fresh and clean-ah
Paparazzi put me in any magazine-ah
I got eight million ways to rockin’
like this
And ain’t nobody drop their styles like this
I’ma give it to you like that and like this
And
my momma always told me “My baby’s a genius”"
-!!!!
Here's a fine example of rhyming one word with the same word (hereafter refered to as ROWWTSW). Also please note
that although the song is "featuring Justin Timberlake" he does not sing or speak at any point durring the song. So
his contribution to the song must have been entirely supportive in nature. Yet another disapointment from this one-time
N'Sync member, who's "Crimea River" was a surprisingly clever and misunderstood commentary on post-soviet Yugoslavian
politics. I still expect great things from this brilliant satirical voice. I could also make a joke about "Lyrics only
a mother could love", and I guess I just did, so lets get on with this.
Track 4: "Don't Lie"
"because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
but after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit
that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the pre-dit-tor
in my book of lies I was the
editor
and the author
I forged my signature"
-!!
Nothing too special about this song, stupid lyrics blah blah blah, It is worth noting that the word "lie" appears over
30 times throughout the song.
Track 5: "My Humps"
"They say I'm really sexy
The boys they wanna sex me
They always standin next to me
Always dancin next to me
tryna
feel my hump hump
Lookin at my lump lump
you can look but you can't touch it
if you touch it
I'ma start some drama
you
don't want no drama
No no drama no no no no drama"
-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy god this is the worst song I've ever heard, and I can't unhear it. Oh man this is awful, I could honestly
have quoted the entire song for stupid lines. If you only download one terrible song for the purposes of novelty make it this
one. I really recomend that you take the time to listen to this song now, because it is the single most convincing piece
of evidence that this band must be stopped.
Also, here's a picture of the girl singing about being sexy, it's the most unflattering one i could find, look at it
while you listen to the song for full effect.
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| "Tha boys they wanna sex me" |
Well, thank god that's over. It's got to be all downhill from here, right? Well in at least one sense.
Track 6: "Like That (featuring Cee-Lo, John Legend, Talib Kweli & Q-tip)"
"Tss tsss tsss, I’ma roll with the hot
I’ma flow from the soul when you can’t hold me back
Ke-ke-keep
on keep on rolling the track
I’ma simply simply always attach
Give me music from by Apl.De.Ap
From L.A to Philippines
we bridging the gap
We got it like that you know we got it like that
Like… we got it like that y’all"
-!
Poor poor Q-tip, John Legend, Talib Kweli, and Q-tip. Honestly I don't understand how they could all sacrifice
enough dignity to be on a Black Eyed Pea's CD, but combined they manage to decrease the suckiness of the song by at least
half. Still not good enough though, but mediocre songs don't make for good comedy, so let's keep going.
Track 7: "Dum Diddy"
"You know the music make me jump and prance
The BE Peas we keep you rocking on the dance
You know my music make
me jump and prance
Dum diddley dum dum diddley dum dum diddley dum dum diddley diddley
[2x]
Sim sim sim, blum blum
blum
The Black Eyed Peas begun with action
Repeating rhy-rhythm in satisfaction
No need for asking, that's what's
happening
The blip blip blip, the blah blah blau
You didn't know me then and you'll never know me now"
-!!!!!
Now that's more like it! This is some bad stuff, and a perfect showcase for another problem I have with this band.
One of the guys insists on doing these awful reggae sounds all the time, and it's always really loud and sudden.
Also, you need to imagine that they are singing these incredibly stupid lyrics really enthusiasticly.
Track 8: "Feel It"
"Feel the vibration of the bass charm
Put your face on the speaker, get your face blown
Get up on the floor, get
your dance on
Coz your backbone’s connected to your ass, go on
The ladies all dressed up high fashion [hot!]
Dancing
all sexy with passion
Honey, if you don’t mind me asking
Can you feel all that bass in that ass, hun?"
-!!!!!
Ugh! What a repulsive song. I've also noticed a trend I thought I'd share with you, about every other song they
pretty much just build the song around one word, in this song "feel" shows up and astounding 63 times. The Song is about
4 minutes long, so tha's a "feel" about every 4 seconds on average, although it feels like a lot more thanks to the intro
and outro, which are almost identicle in every track (pretty much them just shouting and whooping while the music fades out).
Feels like too much to me.
Track 9: "Gone Going Gone (featuring Jack Johnson)
"Johnny wanna be a big star
Get on stage and play the guitar
Make a little money, buy a fancy car
Big old house
and an alligator
Just to match with them alligator shoes
He's a rich man so he's no longer singing the blues
He's
singing songs about material things
And platinum rings and watches that go bling"
-!!
Poor poor Jack Johnson, can you imagine what it must be like to be in the recording studio with these people? They're
probably always jumping up and down and making awful noises. They sedated them for this one though, so it's a "slow
jam" about the horrible effects money can have on an artist. I think they're really on to something, and that these
guys shoudl give up all their money and live under a bridge, away from my ears. In any case, this song is based around
the word "gone", further expanding my theory from the previous paragraph.
Track 10: "They Don't Want Music (featuring James Brown)"
"and i feel mellow
when I watch the girl play the cello
hello to all my mellow peers
in here for the quality
(yeah) music quality"
-!!!
Aside from the above super lame rhyme of Mellow with Cello, this song features septagenerian James Brown.
I was unsure of whether or not he was actually still alive when I saw his name on this song. Unfortunaley he is, at
least enough to lend his signature hoots and hollars to this wonderful song. Also I couldn't find a page that had lyrics
for this song, so I had to listen to this part like 6 times. I hope you appreciate what I do for you people.
Track 11: "Disco Club"
"Monday at the disco club
Tuesday at the disco club
Wednesday at the disco club
Thursday at the disco club
Friday
at the disco club
Saturday at the disco club
Sunday at the disco club
Every day’s the disco club
See us
at the disco club
See you at the disco club
We gonna break it on down
Rub it on your belly like a ultrasound"
-!!!
Bet you can't guess what this song is about. Go ahead. Guess. I'll wait. I picked a good qupte from
this song since apart from having a pretty obvious rip-off of the happy days theme song, it's also got a really tasteless
line about pregnancy right at the end.
Track 11: "Bebot"
"Bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot be
Ikaw ang aking
Bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot
be
Ikaw ang aking
Bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot
Be bebot bebot be
Ikaw ay
Philipino!!! Philipino!!! Philipino!!!
Philipino!!!"
-!!!!!!!
Ok, I couldn't stop laughing when I heard this one. It's definatley worth downloading, but I think I may be running
out of room on my internet website or something. I'm sure that this is really his original language, but all that proves
is that they can sound rediculous in any language.
Track 13: "Bump Ba Bump"
"And if you got money fellas keep it like Trump
Fellas, huh
Whip out your money
and go get a Honey
and buy
what she want
Take her to the ball and try to get her drunk
But if the girl’s UGLY
Then get drunk
This that
beat that make ya get crunk
It’s that beat that make ya bump ya bump (ohh)
I’ll give you what ya want"
-!!!!
I have to admit, I've gotten kind of lazy and only really right down ther first thing that sounds rediculous instead
of scrouring the song for the absolute worst line. So keep in mind that there could be a line even stupider than this
at some point in the song. A chilling thought certainly. Also I think it's time I introduced you to BEP's lead
rapper and the mastermind behind many of these brilliant rhymes. He looks pretty much like you would expect him to.
Two more songs left!
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| "Let me fuck up your ear till my sperm is up in your brain" |
Track 14: "Audio Delite at Low Fidelity"
look, I'm going to level with you, I can't find lyrics to this one either, and there's no way I'm going to listen to
it. But If I did I assume it would contain the word "Delite" 50 times and they would at one point rhyme a word with
itself for 4 consecutive lines.
Track 15: "Union (featuring Sting)"
"[Chorus]
[One for all, one for all]
[It’s all it’s all for one]
Let’s start a union, calling
every human
It’s one for all and all for one
Let’s live in unison, calling every citizen
It’s one
for all and all for one"
-!
Here's your average hokey unity song that every two bit outfit feels the need to put out every once in a while.
The difference is that this one has Sting! Ok, maybe there's no difference. You know what, they deserve each other,
I hope Sting and The Black Eyed Peas are very happy with each other.
Phew! I did it! After all this monumental effort I'm sure I've put a real dent in the sales of this stupid album.
Anyway, I think the point is soundly made that this is the worst band ever, and this is their worst album. So,
don't listen to it, I guess. Only you all ready kind of have. I guess what I'm really getting at is that I hate
my readers. Fuck you suckers! You just read an article about the Black Eyed Peas!
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